How to Build Intimacy in a Relationship?

Learning what is Intimacy and why it’s important for a fulfilling Relationship

Photo by Külli Kittus on Unsplash

Hello! Welcome to another Sunday blog. So as you already know from the title, today we will be talking about intimacy. I believe intimacy is the core foundation of any close relationship, be it with your parents, siblings, or romantic partner.

In this article, we will learn about what is intimacy? How can we develop it? Let’s get started.

What is Intimacy?

So what do I mean by intimacy here? Some people use it for sexual connection as well. That is also a type of intimacy but here I am talking about a kind of intimacy that you can have in any kind of relationship like with friends, parents, siblings, etc.

In simple words, intimacy is feeling of being accepted and seen by another human being.

When a relationship is intimate, you feel a sense of safety and comfort. There is an openness between you two and it’s possible to share your needs, desires, and fears with another person.

Befriending your shadows

We are all humans and we all have some good and some not-so-good things in ourselves. We show some of them to everyone but some are difficult to share and we just keep them to ourselves. But the paradox is that the parts of us that are most ignored need to feel accepted and seen by another person to experience intimacy.

Story Time: “Once upon a time there were a boy and girl named John and Marry(Trust me I tried but couldn't think of any other names 😅). They were in a relationship for some time. Marry was a good girl and John liked her. They were made for each other. Everything was going well until one day john felt that Marry does not love him.

John kept thinking and thinking. Then he asks Marry Do you love me? She said, “Yes! I do love you”. John didn’t believed it and a week later John broke up with Marry. The End.”

Now hopefully we are not like john but if you look closely you will find that there is a little bit of John in every one of us. Some of us had a difficult childhood, Some of us had difficult relationships with our parents, Some of us had experienced cheating in past relationships, some of us are bullied in school.

In small or large quantities all of us had some difficult experiences in our past and sometimes when those experiences are not given enough space or neglected for long periods, they become very painful and stop us from connecting deeply with other people.

What if John had experienced cheating in his past relationship and he felt a lot of fear that Marry may leave him. What if john felt that “Marry loves me but there is part of me that has a lot of fear and feels insecure, Marry will never love that and never accept that.”

You are the gatekeeper of that intimacy. You allow how many layers of yourself you share with another person. The thing that to share your shadow with another person you have to experience them first and feel safe around them.

The amount of intimacy you experience with yourself is directly related to the amount of intimacy you can experience with others.

There are many ways to befriending those difficult parts of us and I have found that meditation practice is a really powerful way to do it. It makes us more mindful of our thoughts, pain, needs and allows us to integrate them and accept them. If you are interested you can check out this article about how to meditate.

What is the Proper Way of Meditation?

Intimacy takes time!

So now you know about this you can ask any stranger in the coffee shop “hey, I want to share my dark shadow parts with you.😁” You can imagine how creepy it sounds. The thing is that the other person doesn’t know you yet and they have no idea of how it likes to be you.

But when you are with someone who loves you and understands you. He/she will love you despite knowing your fear and dark sides. They will feel that “I am important for this person and he/she trust me.” It will also motivate the other person to share their difficult sides with you. Eventually, you two will connect deeper and deeper and intimacy will keep getting stronger. You will feel a kind of safety that you never felt before with anyone.

Now there are few things that I want to tell you about intimacy.

1. The intimacy that you experience with different people will be different and it’s ok if experience it with few close people only.
2. When you share those shadows part with someone else it may be possible that they do not accept it. Maybe they have something in themselves that gets triggered by it or they may have their past. But you have to understand that it’s ok. (point 1)
3. The last thing is that it takes time to build intimacy. With some people maybe we feel safer and it happens in a short time and with some people, it can take years. Just stick with it. I promise it’s worth it.😀

Conclusion

I hope you have liked this article and it will help you in your journey. I am very curious to know your suggestions and topics you want me to write on next. You can comment your thoughts below or send me a mail at yash.yn59@gmail.com.

Thanks for reading. Take Care!